My City of Regrets

The black night is my only friend caressing me as I stand on the edge of my city of regrets, with its cold cruel hands, holding me back.

These feelings use to be locked up tight, but this Chinese box has been throw open and the deepest darkest memories are reappearing and I’m lost in this second universe. Trying to grab them back and push them farther inside me. I shouldn’t have been feeling this again. I thought I had forgiven him. Oh wait its me I haven’t forgiven, I can’t forgive myself.

“We were young” That’s not an excuse, I can’t use it to lie to myself anymore. Scars. I no longer have a reason to run through my city, I have a reason to jump. A reason to end it all.

“Jump you coward” my brain screams to me. I can’t let the loving caress of the dark night take me yet. I made a promise. “To who… who matters that much, who even cares that you promised not too?”  Who, I cant remember, I don’t want to remember the promise I made to the asshole who took my heart.  But somehow I take a step back from the drop off to the endless abyss.

Just one more day, I tell myself over and over. “One more day… it won’t change anything” I wish I could separate my shadows, the parts of me that I can not recognize myself in.  shut up I scream. You are not helping. “Hah at least I am doing something, but you… you are just excisting.” Ouch those words stung. I’ve heard them more than an occasional time. Maybe 20, 30, more times than I can remember.  It’s funny how living in my memories can make me feel inadequate. I’m ready to quit. I cannot suffer any more pain tonight. I take the step to the ledge so my toes hang over the unknown and I look out over my city of regrets.   I lean in as I fall over the edge, looking as the city lights fade from my eyes.

I prove to myself I can beat even my worst of demons.

“Hah who has ceased to exist now”, as I walk away from the demons, shadows and regrets of a city that I created and have the power to destroy.

The city of regrets is engulfed by my friend, the night… as the sun hits the horizon.

I look behind me, and see just one shadow that of me.  Image

 

Well this is another deep piece of mine, for all the ones out there suffering their own personal battle.

Lets leave behind our city of regrets, and live in the moment. We have only been granted the now.

 

 

Advertisements